I went to Harris Teeter today, as I always do when I get hungry and I don't feel like eating yet another of my dad's Totino's Party Pizzas. Since I have no money, however, I am limited to raiding the free sample dome things in the Deli section of the store and consuming them quickly, so as not to draw any more attention to myself than is necessary. I think the people there are onto me. I've been getting suspicious looks from Harry, the turkey guy. I'd better start being more careful. Harry's good friends with my grandparents.
Has anyone else noticed that approximately 86.75309% of the blogs on this site are written by mothers who think the rest of the world gives a flying fadoodle about their kids? News flash, mommykins: We don't! Fo' surrius, yo. If anyone else out there really, truly cares about the day to day lives of these peoples' little buckstabus, speak now, and I swear I will shut the fafsa up. Jesus Christ. People read blogs to GET AWAY from the things in their lives that suck bull bombardier, i.e. THEIR FIREFOXIN' KIDS!
I kind of like that, actually. I might start using "firefoxin'" in conversation. It's not like I could get much nerdier in my friends' eyes, anyway. Gondolagadzooks, I am pathetic...
Of course, the one blog that I found that WAS worth reading (http://www.twostarreviews.blogspot.com) I couldn't even follow. I spent twenty minutes looking for the dillardellin' "Follow" button, only to be forced to conclude that there was none. FML (Foxnews my life).
I need to stop now. My brain hurts from coming up with all those creative anti-swear words. It was somewhat amusing, though. I might start doing it more often.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Ivy, Don't Read This Yet. I Want To Be Able To Read It Out Loud To You Tomorrow. I'll Do Voices And Everything. It'll Be Grand.
I have decided to compose this blog post to inform you all that my attic now has a floor. Hallelujah! That's all. You can leave now.
Just kidding. Don't leave quite yet. Before we had the floor in the attic redone, we had to bring everything (and by "everything", I mean about twenty years worth of broken furniture, pre-school art projects, and dead cockroaches) into the garage and sort through it all. Initially, I was none too inclined to look through anything, as there was a four hour marathon of America's Next Top Model on Oxygen that I just HAD to watch, but once I started finding stories I had written in elementary school, things started to look up.
Let 's just say that I was a literary genius back in 2005, and to prove it to all of you, I will proceed to share one of the stories I found, entitled "The Maiden and the Midget".
--------------------
"The Maiden and the Midget"
A short story by Heather Alfano
Grade 5
Not long ago, in a not-so-faraway land, there was a beautiful maiden by the name of Claudia. Now, Claudia wasn't one of the usual "Someday my Prince will come" maidens that you usually find in those love-dovey fairy tales. No sir-ey. Claudia was more of the motorcycle-owning type. She worked for twenty hours a day at the Auto-Stop for very little money. But, let's get back to the actual story here.
Well, even though Claudia was sort-of kind-of a tomboy, she still loved a prince... Okay, maybe he wasn't a prince, but he was still important! Actually, he was the owner of the top-notch business, "Busy-Business", a company that sold almost any item in the universe, and his name was Dante. To almost every lady in the land, he had the most striking features they had ever seen. "I must think of a way to make him love me," Claudia thought every night when she jumped off her motorcycle, laid in bed, and went to sleep, and in her dreams, she thought of a plan.
Claudia's plan was quite simple, really. All she had to do was sneak into Dante's mansion, write her name at the top of his "Dante's List to Marry" list, and be on her way. And that's just what she did. Lucky for her, all of Dante's guards had mysteriously passed out, so she got in, wrote her name, and got out with no problem. Unfortunately, she didn't know that there was a catch...
"Hear ye, hear ye," bellowed Dante's assistant, James Rosson. "Dante has made a very important decision that may change his life forever!"
The people gasped. What could be so important that Dante couldn't tell them himself? It so happened that at the booming of James' voice, Claudia had rushed outside to see what the ruckus was.
"What is the announcement?" a little girl, Lauren Perkins, asked.
"Oh, right," James said. "Ahem. Dante... has chosen a wife!"
The people gasped again. Who could it be? There was silence.
"Aren't you going to tell us who it is, then?" and old man, Eli Radish, asked.
"He's not... but I am!" said a deep voice.
It was Dante! But, where was his voice coming from? The people looked around in confusion.
"Up here, you fools!" came Dante's voice again.
The all looked up. "When did we get an intercom system?" Ally Jackachetto, an old woman, asked.
"It was just installed last night," replied James.
"Hey, wait a minute," Eli said. "Why is James still in this story? I thought he left for Europe in the last paragraph!" (James leaves)
"Who is it?!" everyone yelled at the intercom system carrying Dante's voice.
By now, Claudia knew who it was. "Her name is..." he began, "Claudia Zlanskywan! Or at least, I think that's how you say it."
Claudia was so happy that she didn't even care that he said her last name wrong. She didn't bother telling him it was "Swanslykan" not "Zlanskywan".
"Why are you all so happy?" demanded Dante. "You know the catch. Before this Claudia can marry me, she must find and bring me something!"
Claudia was bamboozled. She didn't remember ever hearing that rule. "She must bring me... A MIDGET!" he bellowed.
"A midget?" exclaimed Claudia in confusion.
"Yes, a midget," Dante replied. So Claudia set off on her motorcycle in search of a midget.
Oddly enough, she did find a midget, somewhere between Alabama and California. Of course, there was a catch.
"Uh uh. No way," said the midget when Claudia asked him to go with her to Dante.
"Please, little midget! Come with me! I'm desperate!" begged Claudia.
"Tell you what," said the midget. "Ill go with you if you give me your first wedding dress." Claudia thought about it for a moment, then replied, "Deal."
When Claudia and the midget arrived at the town, everyone cheered and wedding bells began to ring.
"I knew you would come through, my dear, dear Claudia," said Dante when she presented him with the midget. So two of Dante's employees, Hannie Shruggs and Vivaniy Tigue, helped Claudia slip into her bright, lime green wedding dress. Of course, she didn't forget her promise to the midget (who was now living in the lounge of "Busy-Business") and gave him the dress.
(Several years later) Claudia and Dante were living very happily together. "My dear Claudia," Dante said one sunny day. "Surely after watching my magical weavers all these years, you have learned how to spin sausage out grass". He didn't wait for her answer. "Of course you have! Anyway, I wish for you to spin me three dozen sausage links!"
Claudia didn't want to disappoint Dante by telling him that she wasn't really paying attention to his weavers, so she agreed. And she knew just who to go to for help.
"Uh uh. No way," the midget replied when Claudia asked for help.
"Well, why not?" she demanded. "Do you even know how to spin sausage out of grass?"
"Of course I do!" the midget answered. "I've been paying attention!" But when he saw the pleading look on Claudia's face, he sighed and said, "Alright, if you can guess my name in one day on three tries, I will spin the sausage. But, you have to guess it first."
A couple minutes later, when Claudia was trying to think of a name, she heard a strange sound and saw a bright light coming from a nearby cave. It was the midget! And he was singing a funny tune!
"Marplekiltskin, Marplekiltskin, isn't that a grand old name? Marplekiltskin, Marplekiltskin, my name will always be the same!"
Claudia's heart was filled with joy! She hurried back to her home to wait for Marplekiltskin the midget to get back.
When the midget arrived back home and found out that Claudia knew his name, he was dumbfounded! But, a promise is a promise, so the midget spent the rest of the day weaving grass into sausage.
So everyone (except Marplekiltskin) lived happily ever after.
THE END
--------------------
On a totally unrelated note, I GOT DRAGON AGE II FOR MAH BIRTHDAY, BEYOTCH! And then, my Xbox died, for good this time. So, we ordered a new one, but when it came, we found out that it doesn't support the hard drive from our old one. RAAAAAAAAAAAEG!!! So now, we have to get a new hard drive AND a transfer cable if we are to have any hope of not losing everything we've worked for over the past four years. I'm not giving up on my level 28 Kajiit Bard so easily.
I'm onto you, Microsoft. I don't know what I'm onto exactly... But I'm onto you.
Just kidding. Don't leave quite yet. Before we had the floor in the attic redone, we had to bring everything (and by "everything", I mean about twenty years worth of broken furniture, pre-school art projects, and dead cockroaches) into the garage and sort through it all. Initially, I was none too inclined to look through anything, as there was a four hour marathon of America's Next Top Model on Oxygen that I just HAD to watch, but once I started finding stories I had written in elementary school, things started to look up.
Let 's just say that I was a literary genius back in 2005, and to prove it to all of you, I will proceed to share one of the stories I found, entitled "The Maiden and the Midget".
--------------------
"The Maiden and the Midget"
A short story by Heather Alfano
Grade 5
Not long ago, in a not-so-faraway land, there was a beautiful maiden by the name of Claudia. Now, Claudia wasn't one of the usual "Someday my Prince will come" maidens that you usually find in those love-dovey fairy tales. No sir-ey. Claudia was more of the motorcycle-owning type. She worked for twenty hours a day at the Auto-Stop for very little money. But, let's get back to the actual story here.
Well, even though Claudia was sort-of kind-of a tomboy, she still loved a prince... Okay, maybe he wasn't a prince, but he was still important! Actually, he was the owner of the top-notch business, "Busy-Business", a company that sold almost any item in the universe, and his name was Dante. To almost every lady in the land, he had the most striking features they had ever seen. "I must think of a way to make him love me," Claudia thought every night when she jumped off her motorcycle, laid in bed, and went to sleep, and in her dreams, she thought of a plan.
Claudia's plan was quite simple, really. All she had to do was sneak into Dante's mansion, write her name at the top of his "Dante's List to Marry" list, and be on her way. And that's just what she did. Lucky for her, all of Dante's guards had mysteriously passed out, so she got in, wrote her name, and got out with no problem. Unfortunately, she didn't know that there was a catch...
"Hear ye, hear ye," bellowed Dante's assistant, James Rosson. "Dante has made a very important decision that may change his life forever!"
The people gasped. What could be so important that Dante couldn't tell them himself? It so happened that at the booming of James' voice, Claudia had rushed outside to see what the ruckus was.
"What is the announcement?" a little girl, Lauren Perkins, asked.
"Oh, right," James said. "Ahem. Dante... has chosen a wife!"
The people gasped again. Who could it be? There was silence.
"Aren't you going to tell us who it is, then?" and old man, Eli Radish, asked.
"He's not... but I am!" said a deep voice.
It was Dante! But, where was his voice coming from? The people looked around in confusion.
"Up here, you fools!" came Dante's voice again.
The all looked up. "When did we get an intercom system?" Ally Jackachetto, an old woman, asked.
"It was just installed last night," replied James.
"Hey, wait a minute," Eli said. "Why is James still in this story? I thought he left for Europe in the last paragraph!" (James leaves)
"Who is it?!" everyone yelled at the intercom system carrying Dante's voice.
By now, Claudia knew who it was. "Her name is..." he began, "Claudia Zlanskywan! Or at least, I think that's how you say it."
Claudia was so happy that she didn't even care that he said her last name wrong. She didn't bother telling him it was "Swanslykan" not "Zlanskywan".
"Why are you all so happy?" demanded Dante. "You know the catch. Before this Claudia can marry me, she must find and bring me something!"
Claudia was bamboozled. She didn't remember ever hearing that rule. "She must bring me... A MIDGET!" he bellowed.
"A midget?" exclaimed Claudia in confusion.
"Yes, a midget," Dante replied. So Claudia set off on her motorcycle in search of a midget.
Oddly enough, she did find a midget, somewhere between Alabama and California. Of course, there was a catch.
"Uh uh. No way," said the midget when Claudia asked him to go with her to Dante.
"Please, little midget! Come with me! I'm desperate!" begged Claudia.
"Tell you what," said the midget. "Ill go with you if you give me your first wedding dress." Claudia thought about it for a moment, then replied, "Deal."
When Claudia and the midget arrived at the town, everyone cheered and wedding bells began to ring.
"I knew you would come through, my dear, dear Claudia," said Dante when she presented him with the midget. So two of Dante's employees, Hannie Shruggs and Vivaniy Tigue, helped Claudia slip into her bright, lime green wedding dress. Of course, she didn't forget her promise to the midget (who was now living in the lounge of "Busy-Business") and gave him the dress.
(Several years later) Claudia and Dante were living very happily together. "My dear Claudia," Dante said one sunny day. "Surely after watching my magical weavers all these years, you have learned how to spin sausage out grass". He didn't wait for her answer. "Of course you have! Anyway, I wish for you to spin me three dozen sausage links!"
Claudia didn't want to disappoint Dante by telling him that she wasn't really paying attention to his weavers, so she agreed. And she knew just who to go to for help.
"Uh uh. No way," the midget replied when Claudia asked for help.
"Well, why not?" she demanded. "Do you even know how to spin sausage out of grass?"
"Of course I do!" the midget answered. "I've been paying attention!" But when he saw the pleading look on Claudia's face, he sighed and said, "Alright, if you can guess my name in one day on three tries, I will spin the sausage. But, you have to guess it first."
A couple minutes later, when Claudia was trying to think of a name, she heard a strange sound and saw a bright light coming from a nearby cave. It was the midget! And he was singing a funny tune!
"Marplekiltskin, Marplekiltskin, isn't that a grand old name? Marplekiltskin, Marplekiltskin, my name will always be the same!"
Claudia's heart was filled with joy! She hurried back to her home to wait for Marplekiltskin the midget to get back.
When the midget arrived back home and found out that Claudia knew his name, he was dumbfounded! But, a promise is a promise, so the midget spent the rest of the day weaving grass into sausage.
So everyone (except Marplekiltskin) lived happily ever after.
THE END
--------------------
On a totally unrelated note, I GOT DRAGON AGE II FOR MAH BIRTHDAY, BEYOTCH! And then, my Xbox died, for good this time. So, we ordered a new one, but when it came, we found out that it doesn't support the hard drive from our old one. RAAAAAAAAAAAEG!!! So now, we have to get a new hard drive AND a transfer cable if we are to have any hope of not losing everything we've worked for over the past four years. I'm not giving up on my level 28 Kajiit Bard so easily.
I'm onto you, Microsoft. I don't know what I'm onto exactly... But I'm onto you.
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